Just This

With the days creeping closer to this next big journey in my life, I thought I would share these two videos that I came across today.  

This, for all the women in my life.  

This, mostly for myself.  Because I feel inadequate every single day.  Only God can use me to make a difference.  Only He knows why I'm living in Phoenix with a job that is an out-of-this-world blessing.  He is the only One capable of making my life worth something, and I pray He does.  

-Katie

October - This is Real

It's amazing how time just continues to fly by, whether we're ready for it or not!  In 23 days I get on a plane to Townsville.  It's finally sinking in.

I'm starting the process of packing my bag... mostly to make sure that everything I take has a purpose and is useful!  I opted for a smaller bag for this trip.  Less is more, right?

I'm thankful that I have 10 days to spend with friends and family in Oregon before I head out.  There are too many faces I haven't seen since I moved to Arizona!  I'm excited to spend a couple days with my bestie in Portland and then time with my grandparents before heading south to that place I call home.  :)

Thank you all for your continued prayer and support.  The countdown has begun!

-Katie

I Bought a Vacuum

It all started with a text message.  A friend reaching past the walls I had so laboriously erected to protect my aching, wounded heart.  One message turned into 10 and 10 turned into 100.  We didn't talk about the hard stuff or the deep stuff.  Instead we talked about the every day things, what going through the motions looked like.  Slowly, somehow he pulled me out from the shell I was crowded into.  I looked around myself to see the sad state I was living in.

I looked around my apartment and was shocked at what I saw.  Dishes and laundry piled high, a fridge that no one would want to see, floor boards that needed dusting, and carpet that just needed a vacuum.  It took awhile... for me to find the courage to go out and do this thing... buy a vacuum.  You see, I had been avoiding the public at almost all costs.  My anxiety to go to the grocery store alone was sky high.  I haven't just been avoiding the public, I've been avoiding all media.  My twitter feeds go unread every day... I'm not ready to read someone else's story of what they think happened.  It's still too raw, too fresh... So I've been avoiding it all, which is nice in a way.  The hubbub of it all fading away has also been peaceful.

So last week I went to Target to look at vacuums.  I called my momma to ask her about brands and she gave me some very good advice. She told me, "Don't overthink it sweetie, just buy one.  Whatever you pick will be great."  She knows me well.  She knew what I needed to hear.  So I just picked one.  Then I paid for it.  I got it home and let it sit in my living room in the box for a day before opening it.  Once I opened the box, I couldn't stop cleaning and tidying and smiling.  I opened the curtains and just gazed outside at the beautiful sunlight.  I don't know why and I don't know how, but that vacuum broke away some part of me that was dead and numb.

Instead of ignoring everything that had happened in the last 8 months, I wrote it down and cried out to God and prayed about it.  It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would when my friend and I finally reached the topic I had been avoiding, simply because it had been too hard at the time to deal with.

So much of the last couple months has been numb, it's amazing to just feel emotion - especially emotion that isn't anger or frustration.  I still have a long way to go, but I know The Lord has a plan for me, that my part in this - in being in Phoenix and getting ready for Australia - wasn't an accident, it wasn't a mistake.  I said when I moved here that I knew God was pushing me out of my comfort zone because I wouldn't go otherwise.  I don't know the answer to "why?", and maybe I'll never see it.   But God has me on this journey for a reason.  I'm excited to see all that is to be in the next 7 months.

Speaking of Australia, I cannot help but feel that any doubt I have about whether I'm supposed to go is nullified after all I've been through.  While I may not be arriving as whole as I thought, I cannot help but look forward to this time as relaxing, healing, and awe inspiring.  I am thrilled at having the time to focus on The Lord.

Tonight my luggage arrived!  I'm going to do a couple test packs to see how well this living-out-of-a-suitcase thing is going to work.  I would post pictures, but I'm currently sitting in a tattoo parlor.   I'm waiting for a friend as she gets a tattoo and I'm silently thankful that mine didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

Thank you to everyone who has walked with me this summer through the most difficult part of my 22 years so far.  Every text, silent prayer, and letter has helped.  I love you all and pray The Lord blesses you abundantly.

Always remember that The Lord is right here, just waiting for you to take His hand.

Until next time,
Katie

The Little Things

Good news!  My outreach is fully funded!  All the money that is owed YWAM is paid for in full.  I can't believe how faithful the Lord has been.  I'm so thankful for His faithfulness.  A big shout-out to my momma who has been a driving force behind everything!  I still would like to raise the money to cover my plane ticket and visa if possible.  We'll see what the Lord has in store.

I've been back in Phoenix for almost two months now, and it seems like the time has flown by.  All my days are running together, even though we haven't been super busy.  It's been rain.... rain.... and more rain here in Arizona.

Despite the rain, dispatch is still running in the swing of things.  I've been switching off between day shift/ night shift/ and graveyard.  It's nice to have the down time on night shift to get things accomplished that just don't happen during the day!  My body's a little confused though some days. :)

The past 5 months have been go go go for me.  I've been working over full time hours, with days off few and far between.  My relationship with the Lord has been put on the backburner.  I'm excited that my hours are being cut back and that I'll hopefully be returning to the land of normal(ish) [this is fire we're talking about.. nothing normal about it!] work weeks.  A friend of mine has somehow convinced me to get up to watch the sunrise every day.  For no other fact than it's beautiful.  I was skeptical at first, and laughed him off (precious sleep time shall not be wasted!).  And then one morning I got up early just to say I had... And it brought back everything I've been missing.  I just sat there with my cup of coffee and watched the sunrise.  Nothing else.  It was peaceful beyond anything I had experienced in months.

That morning snapped me back with a reality check.  We all need those sometimes.  My filter left the building long ago, and my tendency to just spurt whatever comes to mind is not generally pretty.  I don't know where my grace for others has gone, but I've lost it somewhere between the ESR and Aircraft desk.  Please return it if you find it..... but seriously.  I'm working on it.  The old fashioned way of coming back to God and asking for grace for myself.  In addition to some post-it notes on my computer and desk reminding me to hush and think.

For those wondering about how I'm doing with everything that happened June 30th... well, I know that prayer matters and that it helps in ways you nor I will ever see.  I appreciate all the prayers, and so do the rest of us involved.

I'll end on a happier note.  I have a new job title: Acting Assistant Center Manager - Logistics.  To God be all the glory here.  It's an appointment for now.  Once I get back from Australia, if I still want it I'll apply for the job and go through the whole process.  Pray for me as I work through lies the enemy is trying to make real, most having to do with my age.

Until we meet again,
Katie

Another Year Older

One year ago today I was sitting in a hotel room in Phoenix, Arizona contemplating the fact that I was about to turn 21.  I was on a detail, and had just spent nearly two weeks learning more than I thought imaginable.  The next day I went to work and was surprised with a birthday party thrown by my new found family.  This is one of the things I love about the fire community - it doesn't matter where you go, you're with family.

This year I work and live in Phoenix, but I knew when I took the job that I wanted to be at home, in good 'ole Oregon, for my 22nd birthday.  I booked my flight over a month ago, and it was a very good thing I did.  

A year ago, sitting in that hotel room in Phoenix, I had absolutely no idea the path The Lord had for me.  I wouldn't have believed you if you told me I would spend 5 weeks in Wyoming on assignment, or that I would work until November.  I would have laughed if someone told me that I would drop out of school in January to move to Phoenix, no less to work for the State.  

As challenging, frustrating, and downright hard this 21st year of my life has been, it has also been filled with incredible friendships, new families, and blessings beyond belief.  I am the youngest employee of my agency, and have the honor of being the lead dispatcher in my center.  I have learned so much this year.  I am eternally grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way.  

The circumstance I was not prepared for in any way this year, was what happened on Yarnell Hill on June 30th.  I've been told since I started in this field that, "You haven't done this long enough, until someone you know has died."  As hard and crass as that is, it is unfortunately a truth we all learn.  I never thought it would be my fire... or my crew.  The past 10 days have been..... well, I don't have words.  They have been hard.  They have defined the dispatchers I work with - beyond my expectations.  The outpouring of strength and love from all over the country blew me away.  

One of the counselors I spoke with following the tragedy of the Granite Mountain Hotshots spoke of this phase being the 'restacking of boxes'.  I know that God has a plan in and through all of this, and I know without a doubt, that this is where I was supposed to be.  My boxes are being stacked a little different now.  Some things that seemed so important before... they've faded into the dim.  And the reverse is true.  A few of my boxes that I had neglected, or left too dusty, have suddenly become bigger and more important.  

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in the past week and a half.  Your prayers and kind words have meant more than I can express.

As my 22nd birthday dawns, I look forward to many things.  At the top of my list is Australia. :)  For those of you who are local, hopefully you know about the dinner on Sunday night.  If not, consider yourself invited.  It's going to be a BBQ by donation.  I'll be speaking about my trip, and it'll be time for me to spend time with everyone before I fly back to Phoenix.  Call my mom if you have any questions!

Until next time,

Katie

Busy Life

Life has flown by the past few months.  I can hardly believe that it is May already!  It just doesn't seem possible.  It seems like yesterday that I was sitting in my grandparent's living opening Christmas presents.

Work has kept me very busy.  In addition to working 70+ hour weeks though, The Lord has brought me a friend to Phoenix.  About two months ago I started praying for more Christian co-workers in my office.  I was praying for a friend, and for brothers and sisters in dispatch.  I love how God works.  He brought me someone I never would have guessed and never would have thought of.  He brought a girl from home.  Her story is a little like mine.  A job offer on Tuesday, and a flight from Reno to Phoenix on Sunday.  Charlie's story is even more moving because this moving to Phoenix was her first decision after accepting Christ.  I can hardly believe that she's been here for 2 weeks already!

Our Heavenly Father knows much better than we ourselves what we need.  He brought me a roommate, a co-worker, and a sister in Christ.  His timing never fails.  A few days after Charlie arrived, my parents were supposed to come stay for a week.  Long story short, they weren't able to make it.  God was clearly saying no to the timing.  I took it pretty hard.  Nothing like a gyro (Greek food) and new friend to cheer you up though.  Lord willing my parents will fly in on Wednesday!  I'm very excited to see them.  :)

Fire season is under way here in the Southwest.  This week started with job duties for me!  My duties now include being the Intel dispatcher, as well as the Floor Lead.  As the youngest person in my office I create a report every day for the govenor of Arizona and supervise four dispatchers.  It's crazy.  And scary, and is still a little hard to wrap my mind around.  I've gotten to know all of my Tucson guys, and it's a little sad to step back and watch someone else handle it and talk on the radio.  At the same time though, I know that The Lord is stretching me again, and pushing me outside my comfort zone.  Big time.  

Charlie and I are still loving CCV.  I'm excited to take my parents this weekend!

This journey to Australia continues to surprise me at every turn.  One of the fire guys that works with me was telling me about a hideout of his on the San Carlos this week (he's Native American).  He was telling me how to get to the cabin you have to cross the river seven times.  There are no bridges, and horseback is the only way in and out.  He was telling me how people rarely ever make it passed the second ford.  But that from the hideout you can see anyone coming from six miles away.

While some of this journey has been frustrating, scary, and downright hard, I know that at the end I will be glad that I crossed the river every time, and that I stuck to the path that has been set before me.

The morning comes earlier than my eyes want it to.
Goodnight,

Katie

The Beginning

It's been tough trying to find the motivation to blog with just my cell phone and a small tablet, but here I find myself tonight. I'm finding my groove here in Arizona and while it's not anything like I've ever experienced, it's not bad. I have to say, when I created this blog back in November after I applied to YWAM, I had no idea the journey The Lord had for me to Australia!

Fire season is slowly starting to make it' appearance here in the Southwest, bringing more hours at work for me. This is a blessing, as I'm not in Oregon to do fundraising, but also brings challenges. I'll be working 0630-1700 six days a week starting on Sunday. Right now we're alternating weekend days. I work Sunday this week, but next weekend I'll work Saturday.

I am so thankful that I have found a church to call home before everything takes off. It's great to have a new family who cares about me and checks up on me! I'm really loving the Neighborhood Group I'm in, and the landing point it is in the middle of the week for me.

The Lord has really blessed me with a few surprises in the past few weeks. You see, for the past few months I've really been missing my piano. I'm not sure if it's because I'm living on my own, or because I finally have time to play uninterrupted, but it had been on my heart. A few times I went to pick up the phone to call my mom and ask her if it was possible to get it down here, but I never made the call. Unbeknownst to me, my momma had also had one certain piano on her heart - and that it needed to come to Phoenix.

God provide a way to deliver my keyboard through my boss, who spent a week in Reno before Easter for some training. When he got back after Easter, and came to work with it, I was beyond words. It's amazing how the Creator knows exactly what we need and when we need it. It has made the nights less lonely, and my soul full again with music. I hadn't realized how much I truly missed music!

The second blessing came in a box from my Gammy and Papa. It shouldn't surprise me, how well they know me, but it does every time. They are such a huge part of my life, and I pray they know it, because I don't say it enough. Thank you. I love you guys!

The third blessing was a letter from my Compassion child, Kenneth. He lives in Nicaragua. And he sent me a thank you letter for his birthday gift (which he picked out this year!). His soul-bared 8 year old words move me to tears every time I find a letter in the mail from him. He's impacted my life so much. The honest, sweet questions, the drawings I receive with every letter. It is all so precious to me. I am so thankful that he is in my life.

Five a.m comes strangely early these days,
So until next time,

-Katie