It all started with a text message. A friend reaching past the walls I had so laboriously erected to protect my aching, wounded heart. One message turned into 10 and 10 turned into 100. We didn't talk about the hard stuff or the deep stuff. Instead we talked about the every day things, what going through the motions looked like. Slowly, somehow he pulled me out from the shell I was crowded into. I looked around myself to see the sad state I was living in.
I looked around my apartment and was shocked at what I saw. Dishes and laundry piled high, a fridge that no one would want to see, floor boards that needed dusting, and carpet that just needed a vacuum. It took awhile... for me to find the courage to go out and do this thing... buy a vacuum. You see, I had been avoiding the public at almost all costs. My anxiety to go to the grocery store alone was sky high. I haven't just been avoiding the public, I've been avoiding all media. My twitter feeds go unread every day... I'm not ready to read someone else's story of what they think happened. It's still too raw, too fresh... So I've been avoiding it all, which is nice in a way. The hubbub of it all fading away has also been peaceful.
So last week I went to Target to look at vacuums. I called my momma to ask her about brands and she gave me some very good advice. She told me, "Don't overthink it sweetie, just buy one. Whatever you pick will be great." She knows me well. She knew what I needed to hear. So I just picked one. Then I paid for it. I got it home and let it sit in my living room in the box for a day before opening it. Once I opened the box, I couldn't stop cleaning and tidying and smiling. I opened the curtains and just gazed outside at the beautiful sunlight. I don't know why and I don't know how, but that vacuum broke away some part of me that was dead and numb.
Instead of ignoring everything that had happened in the last 8 months, I wrote it down and cried out to God and prayed about it. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would when my friend and I finally reached the topic I had been avoiding, simply because it had been too hard at the time to deal with.
So much of the last couple months has been numb, it's amazing to just feel emotion - especially emotion that isn't anger or frustration. I still have a long way to go, but I know The Lord has a plan for me, that my part in this - in being in Phoenix and getting ready for Australia - wasn't an accident, it wasn't a mistake. I said when I moved here that I knew God was pushing me out of my comfort zone because I wouldn't go otherwise. I don't know the answer to "why?", and maybe I'll never see it. But God has me on this journey for a reason. I'm excited to see all that is to be in the next 7 months.
Speaking of Australia, I cannot help but feel that any doubt I have about whether I'm supposed to go is nullified after all I've been through. While I may not be arriving as whole as I thought, I cannot help but look forward to this time as relaxing, healing, and awe inspiring. I am thrilled at having the time to focus on The Lord.
Tonight my luggage arrived! I'm going to do a couple test packs to see how well this living-out-of-a-suitcase thing is going to work. I would post pictures, but I'm currently sitting in a tattoo parlor. I'm waiting for a friend as she gets a tattoo and I'm silently thankful that mine didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Thank you to everyone who has walked with me this summer through the most difficult part of my 22 years so far. Every text, silent prayer, and letter has helped. I love you all and pray The Lord blesses you abundantly.
Always remember that The Lord is right here, just waiting for you to take His hand.
Until next time,
Katie
Sep 19, 2013
Sep 4, 2013
The Little Things
Good news! My outreach is fully funded! All the money that is owed YWAM is paid for in full. I can't believe how faithful the Lord has been. I'm so thankful for His faithfulness. A big shout-out to my momma who has been a driving force behind everything! I still would like to raise the money to cover my plane ticket and visa if possible. We'll see what the Lord has in store.
I've been back in Phoenix for almost two months now, and it seems like the time has flown by. All my days are running together, even though we haven't been super busy. It's been rain.... rain.... and more rain here in Arizona.
Despite the rain, dispatch is still running in the swing of things. I've been switching off between day shift/ night shift/ and graveyard. It's nice to have the down time on night shift to get things accomplished that just don't happen during the day! My body's a little confused though some days. :)
The past 5 months have been go go go for me. I've been working over full time hours, with days off few and far between. My relationship with the Lord has been put on the backburner. I'm excited that my hours are being cut back and that I'll hopefully be returning to the land of normal(ish) [this is fire we're talking about.. nothing normal about it!] work weeks. A friend of mine has somehow convinced me to get up to watch the sunrise every day. For no other fact than it's beautiful. I was skeptical at first, and laughed him off (precious sleep time shall not be wasted!). And then one morning I got up early just to say I had... And it brought back everything I've been missing. I just sat there with my cup of coffee and watched the sunrise. Nothing else. It was peaceful beyond anything I had experienced in months.
That morning snapped me back with a reality check. We all need those sometimes. My filter left the building long ago, and my tendency to just spurt whatever comes to mind is not generally pretty. I don't know where my grace for others has gone, but I've lost it somewhere between the ESR and Aircraft desk. Please return it if you find it..... but seriously. I'm working on it. The old fashioned way of coming back to God and asking for grace for myself. In addition to some post-it notes on my computer and desk reminding me to hush and think.
For those wondering about how I'm doing with everything that happened June 30th... well, I know that prayer matters and that it helps in ways you nor I will ever see. I appreciate all the prayers, and so do the rest of us involved.
I'll end on a happier note. I have a new job title: Acting Assistant Center Manager - Logistics. To God be all the glory here. It's an appointment for now. Once I get back from Australia, if I still want it I'll apply for the job and go through the whole process. Pray for me as I work through lies the enemy is trying to make real, most having to do with my age.
Until we meet again,
Katie
I've been back in Phoenix for almost two months now, and it seems like the time has flown by. All my days are running together, even though we haven't been super busy. It's been rain.... rain.... and more rain here in Arizona.
Despite the rain, dispatch is still running in the swing of things. I've been switching off between day shift/ night shift/ and graveyard. It's nice to have the down time on night shift to get things accomplished that just don't happen during the day! My body's a little confused though some days. :)
The past 5 months have been go go go for me. I've been working over full time hours, with days off few and far between. My relationship with the Lord has been put on the backburner. I'm excited that my hours are being cut back and that I'll hopefully be returning to the land of normal(ish) [this is fire we're talking about.. nothing normal about it!] work weeks. A friend of mine has somehow convinced me to get up to watch the sunrise every day. For no other fact than it's beautiful. I was skeptical at first, and laughed him off (precious sleep time shall not be wasted!). And then one morning I got up early just to say I had... And it brought back everything I've been missing. I just sat there with my cup of coffee and watched the sunrise. Nothing else. It was peaceful beyond anything I had experienced in months.
That morning snapped me back with a reality check. We all need those sometimes. My filter left the building long ago, and my tendency to just spurt whatever comes to mind is not generally pretty. I don't know where my grace for others has gone, but I've lost it somewhere between the ESR and Aircraft desk. Please return it if you find it..... but seriously. I'm working on it. The old fashioned way of coming back to God and asking for grace for myself. In addition to some post-it notes on my computer and desk reminding me to hush and think.
For those wondering about how I'm doing with everything that happened June 30th... well, I know that prayer matters and that it helps in ways you nor I will ever see. I appreciate all the prayers, and so do the rest of us involved.
I'll end on a happier note. I have a new job title: Acting Assistant Center Manager - Logistics. To God be all the glory here. It's an appointment for now. Once I get back from Australia, if I still want it I'll apply for the job and go through the whole process. Pray for me as I work through lies the enemy is trying to make real, most having to do with my age.
Until we meet again,
Katie
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