Once again, more time has passed then I thought would in this small corner of the blogging world. Life has been busy since returning to sunny Phoenix. Life has been full of surprises and nothing I could have ever imagined. Some bad, some good, and some in between. I've been hard on myself when my attitude stinks at work, I've cried out to God when it seems like nothing has changed at all. And then I get on Facebook and see the beautiful faces of my brothers and sisters around the world, and I do remember. I remember the time we stayed up ALL night praying for healing for a brother who had to go home. I remember the nights Hannah and I spent up in the bridge crying out to God and walking into a calling as intercessors we didn't fully understand (and still don't). I remember. And it's like my Daddy is just shaking his head a little and saying something like, "Patience, my young daughter. My grace is enough for you. No matter what."
And every single time I crumble. Because nothing is what I thought it was going to be. My quiet time is in shambles. My sleep is so so. Better than it was in PNG, but still not great. My house, now that my roomie went back east: in shambles again. And I cry out, "WHY?"
Then a weekend spent in Minnesota cleared up a lot of things inside my head. And I got to spend a short time with a small group of my family. And it was amazing.
Then back to work I went. Looking up a little, not so worried about everything. But it happened again. I lost control of my temper and I snapped at my boss, and I could hardly breathe for the suffocating nature of me. Again, I cry out, "WHY?" Then a prompting to look up YWAM PHX. They were having a gathering, so I RSVP'd and got in the car two days straight after work to go find whatever happened to my heart.
And the second night? The speaker. He was a YWAMer for 30 years. He retired, moved back to his hometown, and met a man. They did ministry together for two years before one night, that will forever be ingrained in my memory, took him away. This man who listened to The Lord when He said, "Don't speak at a YWAM event until I say yes." kept asking and kept getting, "No." Until this time. God said yes and he said yes. And he travelled the two hours down the freeway to Phoenix. And he said yes to God about the timing of this story. To be the only session I could go to. There was so much healing there. So much God. So much grace.
I am still not perfect. My apartment is still a mess. I really am an extrovert. I am still not a morning person. But I am still a child of God. I am unable to do this on my own. I can't get out of bed without Jesus. I can't do my job without a bad attitude without my Savior. This is the place I'm in right now. I'm trying, every day, to grow. To figure out how to live this life.
My encouragement to you? Breathe in grace and just let it settle before taking that next step. Look for the small things to hold on to and let God deal with the rest.
Discipleship is this. One step at a time, saying yes. I've been standing still for a while now. It's time to move forward.
