It all started with a text message. A friend reaching past the walls I had so laboriously erected to protect my aching, wounded heart. One message turned into 10 and 10 turned into 100. We didn't talk about the hard stuff or the deep stuff. Instead we talked about the every day things, what going through the motions looked like. Slowly, somehow he pulled me out from the shell I was crowded into. I looked around myself to see the sad state I was living in.
I looked around my apartment and was shocked at what I saw. Dishes and laundry piled high, a fridge that no one would want to see, floor boards that needed dusting, and carpet that just needed a vacuum. It took awhile... for me to find the courage to go out and do this thing... buy a vacuum. You see, I had been avoiding the public at almost all costs. My anxiety to go to the grocery store alone was sky high. I haven't just been avoiding the public, I've been avoiding all media. My twitter feeds go unread every day... I'm not ready to read someone else's story of what they think happened. It's still too raw, too fresh... So I've been avoiding it all, which is nice in a way. The hubbub of it all fading away has also been peaceful.
So last week I went to Target to look at vacuums. I called my momma to ask her about brands and she gave me some very good advice. She told me, "Don't overthink it sweetie, just buy one. Whatever you pick will be great." She knows me well. She knew what I needed to hear. So I just picked one. Then I paid for it. I got it home and let it sit in my living room in the box for a day before opening it. Once I opened the box, I couldn't stop cleaning and tidying and smiling. I opened the curtains and just gazed outside at the beautiful sunlight. I don't know why and I don't know how, but that vacuum broke away some part of me that was dead and numb.
Instead of ignoring everything that had happened in the last 8 months, I wrote it down and cried out to God and prayed about it. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would when my friend and I finally reached the topic I had been avoiding, simply because it had been too hard at the time to deal with.
So much of the last couple months has been numb, it's amazing to just feel emotion - especially emotion that isn't anger or frustration. I still have a long way to go, but I know The Lord has a plan for me, that my part in this - in being in Phoenix and getting ready for Australia - wasn't an accident, it wasn't a mistake. I said when I moved here that I knew God was pushing me out of my comfort zone because I wouldn't go otherwise. I don't know the answer to "why?", and maybe I'll never see it. But God has me on this journey for a reason. I'm excited to see all that is to be in the next 7 months.
Speaking of Australia, I cannot help but feel that any doubt I have about whether I'm supposed to go is nullified after all I've been through. While I may not be arriving as whole as I thought, I cannot help but look forward to this time as relaxing, healing, and awe inspiring. I am thrilled at having the time to focus on The Lord.
Tonight my luggage arrived! I'm going to do a couple test packs to see how well this living-out-of-a-suitcase thing is going to work. I would post pictures, but I'm currently sitting in a tattoo parlor. I'm waiting for a friend as she gets a tattoo and I'm silently thankful that mine didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Thank you to everyone who has walked with me this summer through the most difficult part of my 22 years so far. Every text, silent prayer, and letter has helped. I love you all and pray The Lord blesses you abundantly.
Always remember that The Lord is right here, just waiting for you to take His hand.
Until next time,
Katie
No comments:
Post a Comment